Post by WTFWILL on May 28, 2008 21:33:28 GMT -5
Douchebag Diary With Tyler Shane
Dual Pandemonium Title Shot - TLC RP #2
Dual Pandemonium Title Shot - TLC RP #2
A gentle male voice smoothly croons as a photo of Tyler Shane with the "Barbara Walters" filter on top fills the screen. A black elegant calligraphy is written on the screen as the gentle man speaks.
GENTLE MAN
"And now... the Douchebag Diary with Tyler Shane."
"And now... the Douchebag Diary with Tyler Shane."
The still picture now comes to life with the same soft filter. Tyler sits in a big burgundy desk chair in front of a fireplace, scribbling on a piece of paper with an quill pen. Tyler writes as the gentle voice reads what he writes.
GENTLE MAN
"Dear Diary:
I had a pretty easy time picking out the Douchebag of the Day. At first I thought I was going to have to re-use Bo Slade or Tyler Evans again, but this one special douchebag brought himself to my attention! How bizarre! How rare! A douchebag who presents himself to the world rather than me having to call him out on it! Truly, few men are as douche-like as the one and only Iron Head."
"Dear Diary:
I had a pretty easy time picking out the Douchebag of the Day. At first I thought I was going to have to re-use Bo Slade or Tyler Evans again, but this one special douchebag brought himself to my attention! How bizarre! How rare! A douchebag who presents himself to the world rather than me having to call him out on it! Truly, few men are as douche-like as the one and only Iron Head."
Tyler pauses to take a sip of his Jack & Coke, a little going away present he had claimed from Khanrai.
GENTLE MAN
"To start, this special douche has a blog! I mean, there are few things that make you more of a douche than keeping a blog. It's right on up there with popped collars and Hollister. Oh, and Fall Out Boy.
In any case, Iron Head decided to log on to his blog today and put out a wonderful piece of literature. It will no doubt go down in history as one of the most well thought out and profound pieces of douchebag literature. You just remember who it is that called that one early, Diary!"
"To start, this special douche has a blog! I mean, there are few things that make you more of a douche than keeping a blog. It's right on up there with popped collars and Hollister. Oh, and Fall Out Boy.
In any case, Iron Head decided to log on to his blog today and put out a wonderful piece of literature. It will no doubt go down in history as one of the most well thought out and profound pieces of douchebag literature. You just remember who it is that called that one early, Diary!"
Tyler throws his head back to share a chuckle with the gentle voice before adjusting the belt on his robe and dipping the quill pen in the ink.
GENTLE MAN
"In this blog of his, Iron Head 'broke down' the TLC title shot match team by team, displaying his obvious douchebag prowess yet again. You know what I say defines a douchebag, Diary... the three T's:
Trite, Typical, and Thickheaded. If there has ever been a clear example of the douchebag trinity, we can find it in Iron Head! Let us begin our examination of the enigmatic Iron Head with the first T of douchebaggery: Trite."
"In this blog of his, Iron Head 'broke down' the TLC title shot match team by team, displaying his obvious douchebag prowess yet again. You know what I say defines a douchebag, Diary... the three T's:
Trite, Typical, and Thickheaded. If there has ever been a clear example of the douchebag trinity, we can find it in Iron Head! Let us begin our examination of the enigmatic Iron Head with the first T of douchebaggery: Trite."
The pen begins to run out of ink, so Tyler pleasantly dips it in the ink well yet again, all the while wearing a smile that could easily put a crying baby at ease. So nice, so likable.
GENTLE MAN
"The man is doing what some of us may call 'beating a dead horse'. He's reciting lines we've all heard from many a douchebag before him. He's calling Mister Evans out on being the worst employee the company has ever seen, he's calling Mister Helms over-rated, and he's calling Elliot and myself a threat. Why, how observant of him! Tyler Evans sucks? Andrew Helms is overrated and a bitchboy? Elliot and I are the shit? I guess he must've missed out on last year's VH1 countdown of 'Things Everyone Already Knows And Doesn't Want To Hear About For The 80th Time'!"
"The man is doing what some of us may call 'beating a dead horse'. He's reciting lines we've all heard from many a douchebag before him. He's calling Mister Evans out on being the worst employee the company has ever seen, he's calling Mister Helms over-rated, and he's calling Elliot and myself a threat. Why, how observant of him! Tyler Evans sucks? Andrew Helms is overrated and a bitchboy? Elliot and I are the shit? I guess he must've missed out on last year's VH1 countdown of 'Things Everyone Already Knows And Doesn't Want To Hear About For The 80th Time'!"
Once again, Tyler throws his head back in jolly laughter and flips the page.
GENTLE MAN
"Oh well! Perhaps it's time to move on to the second T... I wouldn't want to overstay my welcome with the first T and end up beating a dead horse like Iron Head, because THAT would make me a douche!"
"Oh well! Perhaps it's time to move on to the second T... I wouldn't want to overstay my welcome with the first T and end up beating a dead horse like Iron Head, because THAT would make me a douche!"
Ah. Irony.
GENTLE MAN
"The second T, typical, is fairly easy to describe, actually! Not only is Iron Head a broken record, he's the same old broken record as we've seen a hundred times before. The man is like a carbon copy of every other delusional superstar who thought they had big things ahead of them. You would think all the douchebags would learn and evolve from each other's prior mistakes, and yet they continue to stagnate! Perhaps people like Iron Head are the key to destroying evolution and making Creationism the number one belief... they disprove evolution! How intriguing!"
"The second T, typical, is fairly easy to describe, actually! Not only is Iron Head a broken record, he's the same old broken record as we've seen a hundred times before. The man is like a carbon copy of every other delusional superstar who thought they had big things ahead of them. You would think all the douchebags would learn and evolve from each other's prior mistakes, and yet they continue to stagnate! Perhaps people like Iron Head are the key to destroying evolution and making Creationism the number one belief... they disprove evolution! How intriguing!"
Tyler strokes his chin and ponders, staring off into the middle distance. A quick sigh and dramatic shake of the head bring Tyler back to finishing off his diary entry for the day.
GENTLE MAN
"At long last, we arrive at the final T... Thickheaded! You see, Diary, ignorance is the root of all problems, and Iron Head has more than enough of it to go around! This douchebag specimen is literally overflowing with ignorance levels like I've never seen before... over NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!
Erhem... moving on, I find the blatant display of ignorance shown here by Mister Head rather shocking from a man who previously showed the symptoms of at least some form of intelligence! But I'm not going to sit here and hurl blind claims with no factual support... that would make me the Bush Administration! No, Iron Head provided me with enough scientific evidence in one blog post to prove the absurd ignorance of douchebags of his ilk once and for all! Observe closely, Diary.
The first sign of limited intelligence comes when he makes the poorly chosen move of flip-flopping on his own position in the same paragraph."
"At long last, we arrive at the final T... Thickheaded! You see, Diary, ignorance is the root of all problems, and Iron Head has more than enough of it to go around! This douchebag specimen is literally overflowing with ignorance levels like I've never seen before... over NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!
Erhem... moving on, I find the blatant display of ignorance shown here by Mister Head rather shocking from a man who previously showed the symptoms of at least some form of intelligence! But I'm not going to sit here and hurl blind claims with no factual support... that would make me the Bush Administration! No, Iron Head provided me with enough scientific evidence in one blog post to prove the absurd ignorance of douchebags of his ilk once and for all! Observe closely, Diary.
The first sign of limited intelligence comes when he makes the poorly chosen move of flip-flopping on his own position in the same paragraph."
Tyler is sure to lay the ink on thick and bold on the paper before going on.
GENTLE MAN
"At first he claims Andrew Helms and Solidus Filth suck and are overrated (his words, not mine), then he goes on to immediately step all over his own toes and say that they actually have talent! Rather bad decision by Iron Head to pull a John Kerry, we all saw how that turned out now didn't we! But as if there wasn't enough reason right there to certify Iron Head as ignorant, he goes on to say that Elliot and I are mere mortals! I mean, honestly, who believes that?"
"At first he claims Andrew Helms and Solidus Filth suck and are overrated (his words, not mine), then he goes on to immediately step all over his own toes and say that they actually have talent! Rather bad decision by Iron Head to pull a John Kerry, we all saw how that turned out now didn't we! But as if there wasn't enough reason right there to certify Iron Head as ignorant, he goes on to say that Elliot and I are mere mortals! I mean, honestly, who believes that?"
Tyler laughs along with the gentle man yet again before sighing and retracting his statement.
GENTLE MAN
"Oh, Diary, you know I jest! The man does, however, make the mistake of assuming Elliot and I think we are immortals. Surely he jests when he states, and I quote 'They can be bloodied...it is very possible for these bastards to be broken'. And what is his logic behind this? Well, he does a good job of explaining in the next paragraph that both he and Ricky Ray are 'familiar with ladder matches'. And that's it. Really! I guess he forgot to do his homework, because otherwise he would have certainly known two things that prove his ignorance yet again. The first is the simple fact that Elliot and I are most definitely able to be bloodied. Perhaps Iron Head just completely missed Elliot and I going toe to toe with the Slade Brothers in a steel cage and coming out victorious. But even if he had done a LITTLE bit of research, he'd understand that the reason I was big in my early days was from me being a ladder match machine. I was the Jeff Hardy of Japan! Ah the good old days! If there's anyone in that match who knows ladders, it's me. What a ridiculous notion he makes!
In any case, I think our time here is up! I simply must make it to my formal cocktail later! The topic of discussion in the string theory! Until next time,
Tyler Shane."
"Oh, Diary, you know I jest! The man does, however, make the mistake of assuming Elliot and I think we are immortals. Surely he jests when he states, and I quote 'They can be bloodied...it is very possible for these bastards to be broken'. And what is his logic behind this? Well, he does a good job of explaining in the next paragraph that both he and Ricky Ray are 'familiar with ladder matches'. And that's it. Really! I guess he forgot to do his homework, because otherwise he would have certainly known two things that prove his ignorance yet again. The first is the simple fact that Elliot and I are most definitely able to be bloodied. Perhaps Iron Head just completely missed Elliot and I going toe to toe with the Slade Brothers in a steel cage and coming out victorious. But even if he had done a LITTLE bit of research, he'd understand that the reason I was big in my early days was from me being a ladder match machine. I was the Jeff Hardy of Japan! Ah the good old days! If there's anyone in that match who knows ladders, it's me. What a ridiculous notion he makes!
In any case, I think our time here is up! I simply must make it to my formal cocktail later! The topic of discussion in the string theory! Until next time,
Tyler Shane."
Tyler signs his flamboyant signature and then closes the diary. He turns and winks at the camera with the Mister Rogers smile as the screen fades to black.
