Post by Chico on May 29, 2008 20:48:42 GMT -5
Nothing but static appears on the screen. However, voices can be faintly heard talking with one another.
TV Personality: The world of professional wrestling has seen its share of miracles, from Hogan slamming Andre to Guerrero winning it all at Wrestle Mania. But all past achievements may pale in comparison to the work of Dr. Alice Krippin. Thank you so much for joining us this morning.
Dr. Alice Krippin: Not at all.
TV Personality: So, Dr. Krippin, give it to me in a nutshell.
Dr. Alice Krippin: Well, the premise is quite simple - um, take something designed by writers and reprogram it to make it work for the fans rather than against them.
TV Personality: You're talking about a superstar?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Indeed, yes. In this case the Rattlesnake, um, superstar which has been engineered at a storyline level to be helpful rather than harmful. Um, I find the best way to describe it is if you can... if you can imagine the roster as a highway, and you picture Rattlesnake as a very fast car, um, being driven by a very bad man. Imagine the damage that car can cause. Then if you replace that man with a cop... the picture changes. And that's essentially what we've done.
TV Personality: And how many people have you treated so far?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Well, we've had ten thousand and nine clinical trials with fans so far.
TV Personality: And how many love Rattlesnake?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Ten thousand and nine.
TV Personality: So you have actually created a legend?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Yes, yes... yes, we have.
The voices disappear and the static remains. Suddenly, a deep and solemn voice addresses the audience.
My name is Steven Dunn. I am a survivor living in Chesapeake, Virginia. I am broadcasting on all AM frequencies. I will be at the Staples Center everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky. If you are out there... if anyone is out there... I can provide porn, I can provide booze, I can provide entertainment. If there's anybody out there... anybody... please. You are not alone.
The voice then starts to argue with itself.
The world is smarter now. We just have to listen. If we listen, we can hear God's plan.
God’s plan?
Yeah.
All right, let me tell you about your "God's plan". Six billion people on Earth when the guy started wrestling. Rattlesnake had a ninety-percent conversion rate, that's five point four billion people cheering for Rattlesnake. Tricked and brainwashed. Brain dead. Less than one-percent immunity. That left twelve million healthy people, like you, me, and Ethan. The other five hundred and eighty-eight million turned into your Rattlesnake fans, and then they got hungry and they roared and rooted for him unconditionally. Unconditionally! Every single person that you or I has ever known is a Rattlesnake fan! A Rattlesnake fan! There is no god!
…
This is Ground Zero. This is my site. I can fix. I can fix this. I’m not going to let this happen. For years, wrestling fans have sat back and been force-fed the same old crap time and time again. They were brainwashed to believe that Rattlesnake is a great wrestler, and that he is somehow a legend. An infected male exposed himself to a Rattlesnake promo today. It’s possible decreased brain function or growing scarcity of talent is causing fans to ignore their basic survival instincts. Social de-evolution appears complete. Typical human behavior is now entirely absent. This has to end. Rattlesnake is ruining professional wrestling.
At Summer Blast-Off, I go one-on-one with a virus- I face Rattlesnake in a Bull Rope match. His best years are behind him, but he continues to live solely off his name and his past. He can hardly carry my jock strap now, yet he’s still treated as the second coming of Christ. Snake’s time has come and gone, and now it’s my turn to shine. I can cure this infection once and for all. I can light up the darkness.
No matter what Rattlesnake tries to do, he will not be able to escape: he will always be within an arm’s length of me Sunday night. He got a little taste of what’s coming to him on Friday, but Sunday will be much different. At Summer Blast-Off I will eliminate him for good. I will drown him in a pool of his own blood, and I will beat him within an inch of his life. Rattlesnake, after I knock your ass out and send you into retirement, I’m going to grab you by your hair. When I pick you up and drag you to the back, please say hello to me. (*sniffling*) Please say hello to me…
…
In 2008, a miserable superstar burned through our roster, pushing Chaotic Pro Wrestling to the edge of extinction. Mr. Steven Dunn dedicated his life to the discovery of a cure and the restoration of professional wrestling. On June 1st, 2008, at approximately 8:49 P.M., he discovered that cure. And at 8:52, he ended Rattlesnake’s career to defend it. We are his legacy. This is his legend. Light up the darkness.
TV Personality: The world of professional wrestling has seen its share of miracles, from Hogan slamming Andre to Guerrero winning it all at Wrestle Mania. But all past achievements may pale in comparison to the work of Dr. Alice Krippin. Thank you so much for joining us this morning.
Dr. Alice Krippin: Not at all.
TV Personality: So, Dr. Krippin, give it to me in a nutshell.
Dr. Alice Krippin: Well, the premise is quite simple - um, take something designed by writers and reprogram it to make it work for the fans rather than against them.
TV Personality: You're talking about a superstar?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Indeed, yes. In this case the Rattlesnake, um, superstar which has been engineered at a storyline level to be helpful rather than harmful. Um, I find the best way to describe it is if you can... if you can imagine the roster as a highway, and you picture Rattlesnake as a very fast car, um, being driven by a very bad man. Imagine the damage that car can cause. Then if you replace that man with a cop... the picture changes. And that's essentially what we've done.
TV Personality: And how many people have you treated so far?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Well, we've had ten thousand and nine clinical trials with fans so far.
TV Personality: And how many love Rattlesnake?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Ten thousand and nine.
TV Personality: So you have actually created a legend?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Yes, yes... yes, we have.
The voices disappear and the static remains. Suddenly, a deep and solemn voice addresses the audience.
My name is Steven Dunn. I am a survivor living in Chesapeake, Virginia. I am broadcasting on all AM frequencies. I will be at the Staples Center everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky. If you are out there... if anyone is out there... I can provide porn, I can provide booze, I can provide entertainment. If there's anybody out there... anybody... please. You are not alone.
The voice then starts to argue with itself.
The world is smarter now. We just have to listen. If we listen, we can hear God's plan.
God’s plan?
Yeah.
All right, let me tell you about your "God's plan". Six billion people on Earth when the guy started wrestling. Rattlesnake had a ninety-percent conversion rate, that's five point four billion people cheering for Rattlesnake. Tricked and brainwashed. Brain dead. Less than one-percent immunity. That left twelve million healthy people, like you, me, and Ethan. The other five hundred and eighty-eight million turned into your Rattlesnake fans, and then they got hungry and they roared and rooted for him unconditionally. Unconditionally! Every single person that you or I has ever known is a Rattlesnake fan! A Rattlesnake fan! There is no god!
…
This is Ground Zero. This is my site. I can fix. I can fix this. I’m not going to let this happen. For years, wrestling fans have sat back and been force-fed the same old crap time and time again. They were brainwashed to believe that Rattlesnake is a great wrestler, and that he is somehow a legend. An infected male exposed himself to a Rattlesnake promo today. It’s possible decreased brain function or growing scarcity of talent is causing fans to ignore their basic survival instincts. Social de-evolution appears complete. Typical human behavior is now entirely absent. This has to end. Rattlesnake is ruining professional wrestling.
At Summer Blast-Off, I go one-on-one with a virus- I face Rattlesnake in a Bull Rope match. His best years are behind him, but he continues to live solely off his name and his past. He can hardly carry my jock strap now, yet he’s still treated as the second coming of Christ. Snake’s time has come and gone, and now it’s my turn to shine. I can cure this infection once and for all. I can light up the darkness.
No matter what Rattlesnake tries to do, he will not be able to escape: he will always be within an arm’s length of me Sunday night. He got a little taste of what’s coming to him on Friday, but Sunday will be much different. At Summer Blast-Off I will eliminate him for good. I will drown him in a pool of his own blood, and I will beat him within an inch of his life. Rattlesnake, after I knock your ass out and send you into retirement, I’m going to grab you by your hair. When I pick you up and drag you to the back, please say hello to me. (*sniffling*) Please say hello to me…
…
In 2008, a miserable superstar burned through our roster, pushing Chaotic Pro Wrestling to the edge of extinction. Mr. Steven Dunn dedicated his life to the discovery of a cure and the restoration of professional wrestling. On June 1st, 2008, at approximately 8:49 P.M., he discovered that cure. And at 8:52, he ended Rattlesnake’s career to defend it. We are his legacy. This is his legend. Light up the darkness.
